When Unhappy in a Happy Relationship

Dear Fanny,

This might sound weird, but I feel unhappy in a happy relationship. When I met Tim it was love at first sight. Only 15 months later we married and all my dreams came true when our son was born. I love my husband who is very caring and a beautiful father to my son. However, I feel a growing unhappiness in my heart. My friends would say that I am crazy. I live in a dream house and have a loving spouse and a wonderful child. What more could I wish for? However, there is this nagging feeling inside of me. Fanny, what is your advice on that?

Sincerely, Jane C.


Did you ever explore the meaning of happiness? 

Happiness has become ambiguous through overuse. Can happiness really be bought with a nice pair of shoes? The best way to make the term happiness more concrete and touchable is to seek the opposite.

So, what is the opposite of happiness? Sadness?

According to Tim Ferriss, the author of The 4-Hour Work Week, the opposite of happiness isn’t sadness. Just as love and hate are two sides of the same coin, so are happiness and sadness. They just indicate different levels of emotional intensity:  people cry out of both happiness and sadness. Both are like the music of a song. The song remains the same unless you change the record. It’s like watching a dramatic movie. It will not change into a comedy unless you decide to switch the TV channel. And the same applies to happiness in our love relationships and lives.

But if sadness isn’t the opposite of happiness, what is?

People suggest as a synonym for happiness words like passion, bliss or excitement. Therefore, the true opposite of happiness is … boredom. 

Why is this so important?

Former British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli reveals the reason:

“Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.”

People mostly determine sadness as the opposite of happiness. They search for a solution in the wrong direction and wonder why they struggle. But assumptions and actions, which are based on this misleading concept, are useless. They won’t provide a consistent happiness that lasts. 

Replace the word happiness with its true synonym!

Instead of asking yourself, “What can I do to become happy?” I recommend that you ask yourself, “What will grow more bliss, passion and excitement in my love relationship and/or life?”

Can you feel the drastic difference of those two questions? Can you see the significant shift of perspective?

This way you focus and improve your creativity towards solutions that create true transformation. You switch to another movie and change the music in your heart, mind and love relationship. 


How could you improve your happiness in your love relationship?


Do you have a friend who is struggling with love issues? Point her to this blog post for support and inspiration!  


May 29th, 2015