When There’s A Worm In Couple’s Communication

What can you do when your partner adopts new, destructive habits in communication? Jackie B. is facing this challenge right now. Whenever her husband asks her for advice or a suggestion their relationship’s harmony gets into trouble. 

When Jackie communicates her point of view, her husband interrupts her harshly and starts condemning her opinion. One word follows the other until they end in arguing and fighting. That’s what I call a worm in couple’s communication.

And now, Jackie is wondering if she should ignore her husband’s upcoming questions, as it seems that he isn’t really interested in her opinion.

Well, I think you agree that by behaving this way Jackie won’t change her love relationship for better. On the contrary, by ignoring her husband’s questions she would provoke more tension between the two of them.

This situation reminds me of a perceptive metaphor (by an unknown source), which I would like to share with you. It’s called An Autobiography in 5 Chapters:

Chapter #1

I am walking on the road;

There’s a huge hole in the asphalt

I fall into it

I’m lost without hope

It’s not my fault

I need a long time to come out again.


Chapter #2

I am walking along the same street;

There’s a huge hole in the asphalt

I pretend as if I don’t see it

I fall into it, again

I can’t believe that I ended up in the same place

It’s not my fault

I need a lot of time to get out again.


Chapter #3

I am walking along the same street;

There’s a huge hole in the asphalt

I see it

Nevertheless, I fall into it again

It’s already a habit

My eyes are widely opened

Now I already know where I ended up

It’s my own fault

I quickly get out of the hole.


Chapter #4

I am walking along the same street;

There’s a huge hole in the asphalt

I evade.


Chapter #5

I choose another street.

The wisdom of this metaphor can be applied to any challenge you are facing in your love relationship. There always exist great options and strategies, which are part of Chapter #4. However, I recommend that you make it a “Butterfly Habit” to search for solutions that are part Chapter #5. Those kinds of reactions and tactics are very elegant and can be applied with grace and ease. 

So, what would a solution for Jackie’s communication challenge with her husband look like?

I recommend to Jackie to train a new “Butterfly Habits” called SASA.

This formula means “Stop Answering – Start Asking.”

Instead of letting her mind find an answer to her husband’s questions, Jackie should switch her reaction by asking a question like …

“What would YOUR perfect answer look like?”

"What answer would you like to hear from me?"

That sort of question acts like a bait while fishing. Her husband’s brain will be stimulated to create different thought patterns and  . . . distinctive reactions. 

And the flow of communication between Jackie and her husband will shift to be significantly better. 

Now, I would love to hear from you.

Is there a worm in any area of your relationship’s communication?

Apply the SASA formula and leave a comment below. Share as much detail as possible, as your share may be exactly what someone else needs to hear right now.

And if you found this helpful, please pass it along to your closest friends and colleagues – anyone you think could use a little extra support.

With a butterfly kiss,


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June 10th, 2015