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How to Change Your Man for better

After years, finally Mary met someone who is loving and caring. They have fun and Mary loves being around him. He treats her well, cooks for her and runs errands when she can't. Sometimes Mary pinches herself for having found someone who gives her so much. 

However, when he starts watching the news there arises a strange obnoxious and belligerent demeanor. He is opinionated. He knows it is a problem and wants to correct it. 

Mary tolerates it even when there are moments she’s really having a hard time handling his behavior. She feels growing doubts about settling for that kind of a love relationship. Should Mary listen to her inner voice to find someone better, although she still loves him?

First of all: We aren’t angels yet! Therefore, the perfect prince doesn’t exist. 

However, there are sacred boundaries in a love relationship that have to be respected by either partner at any time: 

The first sacred boundary is called “No Physical Violence.” 

This has to be a no-negotiation rule when facing disagreements and challenges in a love relationship. As long as this boundary is respected there still exists a way to figure out an optimal solution that fits either partner’s needs. 

The second sacred boundary is called “Respect the Inner Realm.” 

Everybody has strengths and weaknesses, a light and a dark side. We all are facing our inner demons and mostly know them very well. 

Therefore be careful and don’t criticize your partner for his weakness, as you will provoke an automatic protective reaction from his side. Even if he wants to get rid of that dark side, it is still part of his nature. When you attack his shadow, you attack his person and integrity. Instead of getting rid of his shadow, you will nourish its power. 

In contrast, it is much wiser and more effective to become an ally of your partner by supporting his fight of destructive behavior patterns. Of course, this requires his will to really want to change it. Mary is fortunate that her partner wants that.

I always say: 

Old habits have more traction than good intentions.

Therefore, Mary can’t expect to see instant changes from his side. Metaphorically speaking, changing behaviors is like climbing the peak of Mount Everest. In order to succeed her partner will need motivation and a concrete plan. 

Mary is challenged to motivate her partner NOT by fear or threats. For more details, I recommend her to read Chapter 12 of my book Butterfly Habits: How to Make Your Honeymoon Last Forever. It reveals the motivation tactic of “Make friends with the subconscious mind” and how to apply it. In order to generate positive shifts in a love relationship reward is more powerful than punishment.

Also Mary and her partner should create an accountability plan for success, including all elements, factors and steps that will support his behavior change and improve harmony in their love relationship. 

A starting point could be a brainstorm of both partners’ needs. For example, he wants to know what’s going on in the world and Mary wants to enjoy a relaxing environment.

Then detect and vary one by one the factors to create countless options. As an example, time, place and different information channels are just three factors. But when you change them you can create nine new options for solutions. Try to create at least 10 options for discussion and evaluation.

And most important of all: Agree to track the achievements step by step and continuously. Remember that reward is more powerful than punishment. How will you honor and celebrate your achievements? 

The final question is: Should Mary listen to her dreams or face reality? For sure, climbing Mount Everest isn’t the same as having a walk at the beach. However, when you reach the peak the impact will be pure bliss and strengthen the bond of love!

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Have you ever faced a similar challenge like Mary? How did you master it?

And by the way …take advantage of the FREE Chapter of the book Butterfly Habits, if you haven't yet.

February 26th, 2015

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